a list.

otherwise perfect, this

moment became something

wholly unexpected

when the words

drifted from her lips.

well, i shouldn't say

that it was

wholly unexpected, but the

timing most certainly was.

the question brought

me back in a

way that usually only my

memory can.

"remember what we talked about that one time?"

that's what changed

the moment.

and that's not exactly

what she said, but

it's a close enough approximation.

"yeah," i said.

"when do you want to do it?"

"i don't know. when do you think i should do it?"

"anytime between now and whenever."

again, that's not exactly

what she said

but it's not the

exact words that matter.

"soon," i said.

"i want to know, you know, just to be sure."

her eyes nodded

and she disappeared from

the room,

off to check her

notes from

that first time.

while she was gone

i felt as alone

as i did that other

moment back then,

but not because i

was the only one

in the room.

my thoughts didn't

allow for anyone

else at that

moment, and for that

i'm sorry to both

of them,

one looking in

the mirror, unaware,

the other with

her hand in mine,

causing slight physical pain

in an attempt

to relieve something worse.

but it's as if

i wasn't there.

i was above my world,

(them)

floating on my

back, the cool mist

of the clouds

enveloping the me that

wasn't me.

seconds later

the door opened,

and she was peering in,

holding what she

went to get.

i hit the ground

with a thud,

but nothing was

broken. of course not,

i reminded myself.

i wasn't really where

i felt i was.

in my hand now.

it's the list.

the list of words

i'd seen before,

this time

on a different

piece of paper,

in a handwriting unusual

for someone in

her profession

(or so the stereotype goes).

i stared at it.

two thoughts:

1. this list has killed.

2. this list could **** again.

(that exactly how i said it in my head. that word doesn't exist in scenario #2. it can't. it won't).

i know it's

better to know,

but do you ever

wish you didn't know?

yeah.

me too.