Most relationships have their bumps and turns.
But throw in two widowed people, their children (8, with & without teenage hormones), the difference in the time of their widowedness (6 1/2 years) and the grief that each still carries ..... and you don't just have a few bumps and turns.
You have a monstrous version of bumper cars.
No, it's not always bumpy and yes, it's nice to be cared for again and loved by someone.
But it doesn't make me miss Jim any less.
And it doesn't make it easier to learn how to communicate with someone new.
Jim and I loved, argued, communicated, disagreed, agreed, raised children .... and just lived our life...one way.
He and his wife lived their life another way and for a shorter amount of time (not that time matters in grief, but it does matter in how long one has been the sole support,provider, parent, decision-maker in his/her home).
It is wonderful to feel loved.
It's not wonderful to wonder what you must've said this time to make him upset (or visa versa for him) because you don't know how he thinks .... like you FINALLY (mostly!) learned with your spouse.
It is wonderful to be held.
It's not wonderful to always feel that you have to be the peace-maker between an adult and children.
It's wonderful to have someone to spend time with.
It's not wonderful to feel upset, or know he's upset, because you rarely have enough time for just each other.
It's wonderful to know that if something happened to you and you really needed him/her, he/she would be there to support you.
It's not wonderful to know that you will always play second fiddle to his/her children.
Always.
So .... is it worth all of the "it's not wonderfuls" to be in a relationship after being widowed?
I guess we all have to decide that for ourselves.
We tend to forget how much work really went into our marriages/relationships/love.
So we need to be careful in making our decisions.
We need to weigh so many different things that most people don't have to consider at all.
We have to truly .... look before we leap, no matter how tempting it is to have someone again.
And we have to try really hard to remember that our spouses ..... sorry to write this ..... were not perfect.
I know. :)
Love is wonderful.
I think that, for me, this relationship is worth it.
But it doesn't take away the pain.
Or the scar.
Or the tears.
A relationship .... ANY relationship .... is hard work.
But it can be worth it. At least I think this one can.
For me.
Especially if I keep in mind that ..... the grass is NEVER greener ....
Wow! Needed that this morning. I've been "lusting" after a relationship - any relationship to make this feel better. Because I miss all that you say. But I'm finding that all of the other stuff gets in the way. I was thinking I was just screwing it up. Thank you for sharing. Its hard to admit that things aren't always better on the other side. Thank you.
ReplyDeletethe grass may be greener..but you still have to mow it!
ReplyDeleteI think you are right, there are a lot of things we do forget, especially the bumbs, but to me we must start somewhere. I agree we should be very, very careful when starting again.
ReplyDeleteWow, I just read this today. 10-21
ReplyDeleteWish I had read it before wasting time reading all the profiles on match.com tonight.
Trying to decide if I am REALLY ready for a relationship, now that I read your blog, I know I am not- I am scared but oh so lonely it has been over 2 1/2 years! I am scared of ending up with a creep, stalker or perhaps I will live an existence were I will compare someone constantly with my husband- oh he is dead, how does this work? what do I call him, I miss everything about him, I can not even bear to figure out what to call my love that died for this comment. I miss him so very much.
I just don't want to end up a lonely bitter widow that goes crazy with grief and gets lost in her memories of the past.
I got two calls this week,because I am the EXPERIENCED WIDOW, wow, needed to hide from them that it gets OH SO MUCH WORSE with time as you keep realizing that they are really dead and not coming back and you must keep going and going and going alone always with out your partner. I miss him so very much. How could I ever let someone else hold me without crying buckets and buckets of guilt and pent up sorrow.