Tuesday, October 12, 2010

The Last Picture

Five years ago today we took the last picture. We were on our way home from Disney and a day away from our first appointment at MD Anderson. Of course we didn't know it was the last picture...that's why the happiness in those two faces is real.

It's hard to believe it's been five years. I can close my eyes and it feels like yesterday. It feels like now. Only he's not here and he hasn't been for years. It only takes a look at Grayson's height and the lines in my face to have proof of the passage of time. It's in our hearts that the time passes so much more slowly. It's like geologic time. It moves so slowly and grindingly that the passage of time is almost imperceptible.

Who knew in those first few months that passed like decades - so slowly that you thought you'd never survive it...who knew how quickly time would move and suddenly five years would have passed. I remember a conversation with Michele about 4 years ago. I told her I couldn't imagine making it to 5 years. What would that look like?

Funny thing is that it doesn't look so different in lots of ways. I am older and so is G. We are happier now than we were 5 years ago, that is certain. We are somewhat peaceful about the path that we are on, although we each have our days of angst and missing Daniel. We talk about it. We wish out loud that he could be alive. We wonder out loud why it all had to happen. We also talk about how great our life is and how lucky we are. It's a paradox. You'd think with what we've experienced neither one of us would feel terribly blessed. We are and we know it. I find hope in that. I believe my little guy does too.

Happy Tuesday - Michelle D.


  1. I still look at our last picture. There is a sadness in my Mikey's face. He was gone a month and a half later.

  2. I'm not sure who to comment to. I'm stunned by (all) the open, honest and powerful messages. Caught up in my own life, innocent of these emotions, I am humbled by your raw and profound reflections.

  3. My husband passed away, unexpectedly , only 3 weeks after our older daughter's wedding, 7 years ago. What a blessing that we took so many pictures that day. Who would have thought they'd be the last?

  4. I also feel the paradox of my life. I feel grateful that I unlike some widows do not have to worry so much about money, many of Rob's friends remain mine and keep in touch. Yet, after a year, I still misss him everyday! I have got lots of picture, just wish I had some video of him telling his stories, that could entertain and make people laugh- miss hearing his voice and laugh. Tell other people with relatives that are ill, to video tape them now, because you will miss seeing their gestures and hearing their voice!

  5. My husband also died shortly after our son got married - I love those pictures - he looks so alive and so happy.


  6. My heart goes out to each of you. I have been widowed for 7 yrs. It wasn't sudden. It was a long drawn out process expanding six years. My husband died from ALS. He was diagnosed at age 57. We had just started planning our retirement after both of our children had finished college and married. We had bought a lot on the intracostal waterway planning to grow old there. Before we had a chance to build that house, we had to change the plans to a handicapped accessible house. He was able to spend 4 yrs in this house; not golfing and fishing as hoped. Every evening he road his wheelchair onto the pier and watched the sunset.

    I feel blessed to have been able to take care of him. He actually was my rock during this time. God blessed us to have this time together. He was able to teach me how to do the taxes, how to do some simple repairs and we were able to enjoy grandchildren.

    Does it get any better? No. We were married 41 years. I will say I have found peace. I am a christain and God sustains me.

    Some of you are so young. Bless you and your families.