Friday, October 28, 2011
Don't get too close
I went on a date a few weeks ago. It was a truly enjoyable evening spent talking, laughing and being with another adult....a man.
Although he talked a lot, he was funny, kind and really, really sexy. I wanted to reach out and touch him almost immediately.
The day after, he texted me to make plans for a few days later. I was thrilled!
But the day before our next date, I found myself finding excuses to not go. I could hear my mind scrambling for reasons that this particular day was just too busy. Searching for reasons to feel guilty for spending any more time with this man and sussing out any and all failings in his personality and appearance.
I am not proud of this behaviour. And when I left him a message that I had to cancel, I felt a bit sick to my stomach. But I managed to convince myself that he wouldn't care and that he probably had a lot to do as well thus alleviating some of my guilt.
Days later when he phoned, I acted cold and distracted. And when we were scheduled to hang out again, I cancelled....again.
To any outsiders, it would appear that I had found him lacking and was trying to shake him off. In actuality, I had developed a crush on him. I liked him. A lot. I wanted to be with him. To tell him things. To snuggle up to him.
But therein lay the problem. If I "liked" him, I might one day "love" him. And as I am well aware, he is going to die. Then I am just where I have been for three years, in love with a dead guy.
So instead of allowing myself some companionship, I chose to sabotage any amount of fondness that someone may have for me because I don't want to add to the *collection of urns under my bed. Ridiculous.
Because don't get too close....or I'll ditch you.
*The collection of urns under my bed isn't as morbid as it sounds....at least to a widow. It contains just one husband and two family dogs.