Another lovely day in San Diego. The sun was up high and shining brightly this morning. I was awoken by a call from Abel, which is our usual morning routine. It's a wonderful reminder that someone is thinking of me.
As the day went on my mood began to fail me. My daughter kept asking if I had not slept well the night before. When she pointed this out I realized that I was feeling quite low in energy, and said well, I thought I had slept well, but I was terribly tired none the less. I ran out to do a few errands, as I was having some friends over for a pumpkin carving party.
As I left the grocery store it hit me, I wasn't tired at all, I was overcome by grief. With that simple realization the tears began to flow. How is it on such a beautiful sunny day, with life going so well, with a festive day ahead of me, that I was to succumb to my grief?
Of course I know the answer to my question.
Because it never really leaves me, and once in awhile, maybe more than once in awhile, it needs to rise to the surface and reveal itself.
Now it's the end of the day. I had a wonderful evening with friends, and the pumpkin carving was such fun. The biggest surprise was that Abel ended up not working, and surprised me with a visit.
Now I end my day, the way it began, yet the sun is shining on the inside. Who knows how I will feel tomorrow. Yet, I don't worry about it too much. It's an all too familiar occurrence. I accept that grief and I go hand in hand. It is my companion.
Overcome by grief. It doesn't have to overwhelm me. It just is. And then it moves on.
Learning to control feelings of being overcome is key. I am really proud of you for getting to that coveted place !~!
ReplyDeleteIt does seem to be a roller coaster. I can be fine for awhile, then I am not. Right now I am having a hard time. My guess is it is the time of year. Halloween was John's favorite. This year, my decorating efforts were pathetic. I just am not in the spirit. We just got 21 inches of snow and I really don't want to go trick or treating. Despite two Halloween parties this weekend, I am in a rut. John would be bouncing off the walls with excitement right now. He would have the whole day planned, he would be getting his face paint ready to transform himself into some scary, gory dude...and he would never let me get away with not dressing up. We would be in the Halloween store and he would be throwing all the sexy, revealing costumes at me and say, "Meatball, go try this on!" Lol! I miss that so much! I would of course grab the practical, full-coverage, warm costume and shake my head at him. Hee hee.
ReplyDeleteMostly Dan, I wanted to write to tell you that I think it is so great that you had a pumpkin carving party. What a great idea! It lifted you up at the end of the day and that is so wonderful. I am going to keep that in mind for next time for me and the kids. I have done a good job of isolating myself the last 15 months. I think I will plan a New Years party for the kids and their friends. It will give us something to look forward to.
Thank you for being such an inspiration. ((Hug))
Thank you for the reminder - the grief will rise and recede and rise and recede again and in between we will live in the spaces.
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing this. I needed to read it today. I woke this morning, forgetting I was a widow, cuddled in a warm bed, listening with eyes still closed to the sounds of the house, listening for the quiet murmer of Greg talking to the cats or the sound of tea being made in the kitchen. When the silence sunk in, and I remembered, I became violently ill. I haven't done that in weeks. The last time was on his birthday, and that, at least, made sense to me. I couldn't figure out why I'd react like that today, no anniversary of anything, and a day safely weeks between his birthday and Thanksgiving. It helps to know that other people have these days of overwhelming sadness and grief that make no sense, days that just have to be gotten through.
ReplyDelete*hugs*
I came to this post because this is the day my love died. My fiance, William, was killed in a car accident 10/31/2011. To know that grief will be with me for a very long time is disheartening but it is encouraging to know that this is not something only I am experiencing.
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