Sunday, October 2, 2011

Tired

This is a re-post from February.

I can't write.
I'm tired, so, so, so fuckin' tired.
I don't know how I will get up tomorrow and begin another day.
I am tired of putting on my battle armor every morning to go through my day.
I am in over my head, raising my kids and trying to earn enough for us to survive.
I feel my energy being leeched, drawn out, mercilessly sucked from me every day.
I just don't see how this can keep happening.
I can not replenish as quickly as it is drawn forth.

So, I re-post.
in an effort to give myself the tiniest of breaks: to suck in, a small portion of what has been sucked out.

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I’m tired of being a widow.
I’m tired of bringing the car to the mechanic when the red maintenance light visually screams at me.
I’m tired of running out of food and being responsible for getting more.
I’m tired of waking up by myself.
I’m tired of being solely responsible for:

Bringing in all the income
Paying all the bills
Making sure the kitchen is clean.
Preparing the kids for their car pool.


I’m tired of not hearing “Daddy?”
I’m tired of hearing “Mom?” from three different voices in 13 seconds.
I’m tired of being interrupted while I am trying to hear what the first "mom" yeller (or was it the second) call was about.

I’m tired of telling people I’m a widow.
I’m tired of using it to help me get what I need
Or don’t need (like that traffic ticket).
I’m tired of the look that people give me when they find out I’m a widow.
I’m tired of that fucking gentle touch on the arm which really means “I’m so sorry for you and I’m so glad it’s not me.”
I'm tired of my widow story.

I’m tired of explaining that widowhood is not all doom and gloom
I’m tired of talking about the growth, the joy, the fun it is too.

I’m tired of going to teacher conferences alone.
I’m tired of teachers asking me to do that one more thing for one child or another, not realizing that it will break me.
I’m tired of taking the kids to doctor’s appointments, dropping off the prescriptions and picking them up and administering them by myself.

I’m tired of listening for that horrible cough in the middle of the night by myself.

I’m tired of holding our children as they cry because they want you to come back.
I’m tired of my powerlessness to fix it.
I’m tired of telling myself that they will be better people for your death.

I’m tired of my over reaction to the Legos on the floor.

I’m tired of not knowing what will trigger sobbing.

I'm tired of the guilt I feel because Langston, as a teenager, doesn't have a father.

I’m tired of being awed by all that they are doing and then, in the next breath regretting that they won’t ever know the joy of looking up and seeing you smile at them after they did it.

I’m tired of the irritated sound of my friend's voices when I need to talk.

I’m tired of the shallow “OMG! You look so great!” as if there is a direct correlation between looking good and feeling good.

I’m tired of admiring my body…by myself.

I’m tired of deciding to: break the cell phone contract, buy a new couch, and enter that cycling race with you not here to discuss it.

I’m tired of being lonely.

I’m tired of writing about widowhood
I’m tired of crying.
I’m tired of missing you.
I’m tired of loving the person I have become since you have been gone.

I’m tired of forgetting, in very brief moments, that you are dead.

I’m tired of planning each day, a closely choreographed dance, with dancers who want to go their own way on a tiny stage.
I tired of remembering drinks for the team, that Langston is sleeping over at ___'s house, that Ezra needs cleats and what color Pallas wants to paint her room.
I’m tired of asking:

What is your homework plan?
Did you write that thank you note?
Will his parents be home?

I’m tired of forgiving myself for the missed phone calls, forgotten plans and skipped lunches.

I’m tired of fearing dates:
6 months,
1 year and now
two years dead.
Your birthday or
Langston’s or
Ezra’s or Pallas’s.
Or mine.

I’m tired of discovering that the reason I have been feeling so crappy for so many days is because I have been in a death march (Susan, such a great and accurate phrase!) because one of those dates is coming.

I’m tired of crying in Trader Joes (I am sure they are too).

I’m tired for trying to remember if something occurred before you died or after.

I’m tired of looking forward to the weekend, only to realize the weekends offer no break from the kids, from the grocery shopping, from being an only parent.

I’m tired of the men I date not even trying to understand what it is to be an only parent, not just a single one!

I’m tired of not having someone to tag team with.

I’m tired of not having anyone to look horrible in front of but still be loved.

I’m tired of your parents who can’t take ONE damn step out of their comfort zone to see your children.

I'm tired of hearing them say how important family is but backing it up with NO action whatsoever.

I’m tired of not having someone to talk about the car or the stupid pedestrian I almost hit on my bike ride today.

I’m tired of having no one to discuss my day with.
I’m tired of thinking about the energy and time it takes to get into a new relationship.

I’m tired of craving sex.
I’m tired of wanting to be held, of needing to be touched.
I'm tired of wondering if my sagging breasts are a turn off.
I'm tired of wondering if I'm good in bed.
I'm tired of waiting to have sex.
I'm tired of wondering if I can give a good blow job.
I'm tired of worrying about diseases!

I’m tired of wanting someone to take care of me, so I can have the energy to take care of everything and everyone else.

I’m tired of clean sheets and a clean body and no one to enjoy them with.

I’m tired of wishing I could see you just one more time, just one more fucking time, healthy.

I’m tired of watching the anguish in our kid’s eyes as they miss you.

I’m tired of writing about you.
I’m tired of talking about you.
I’m tired of telling stories about you to our kids so they can know you.

I’m tired.
I am so, so, so fucking tired.

So honey?
When the fuck are you coming back? Cause I’m tired of this shit.

15 comments:

  1. Perfect Kim, just perfect. You know how to say it all in your brutally honest and genuine style. I am so glad I got to meet you at Camp Widow and tell you how much your words mean to me and I am sure to so many others. Thank you for sharing the depths of your soul; it helps us immensely.

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  2. Yes, first in Feb and now again today, thanks Kim..still tired of it all.

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  3. Oh Kim,you have written exactly what many of us are thinking,and feeling day in day out,Big hugs to you and your children,the pain is always there in our hearts but you are not alone and can always talk to us widows.xxxxxxxx
    Stay strong.x

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  4. It's as though you were in my head while writing this. You are NOT alone....yet I am sure we all feel alone. Sharing your thoughts certainly helps all of us. Thank you

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  5. Been there and can honestly say it will get better but know all too well that it is a day by day (or minute by minute) existence. Some days are good and some days are not. I am approaching my anniversary date in November and I know I will probably spend the day in bed with all of my "what ifs." Just hoping it passes quickly, and then feel guilty later for thinking that way.

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  6. so feeling this lately. thanks for writing-

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  7. Lori from San DiegoOctober 2, 2011 at 3:43 PM

    Once again Kim, you've hit it out of the ballpark. I get it. It sucks.

    To borrow a phrase, "You rock!" (Seriously, you do, but it also know it sucks!)

    My wish for you: peace.

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  8. Good post. I don't have children at home anymore, but I find it intolerable, after 28 years of marraige, to have lost the nuturing and support my husband offered. I feel like a lone ship at sea. The other really heartbreaking part is to not have him to share our history with...our family lore, funny stories, "remember when"....no one else really cares. One very unfortunate quality I have developed is talking too much to people about stuff that I'm sure they don't care about, while they try to be polite (and probably wish I'd shut up). This is horrifying, even for me, because I've always valued boundaries. God help me. God help us all. Now and then I start to feel better and see some light at the end of the tunnel, but your list above has some things in common with mine, and really makes you realize how ENORMOUS our losses are. No wonder it takes forever to feel better.

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  9. OMG, Kim!! You have hit the nail on the head and said exactly EVERYTHING I have been feeling and thinking for the past 2 years but have been afraid to say it even to my closest friend. Thank you for putting our feelings into words. I am printing this up and giving it to the next person who says "I understand how you feel." Hugs, hugs and more hugs to you. I have 2 teenagers and I am so tired of looking at them and knowing how cheated they must feel not having a dad around and wishing there was something I could do to ease their pain and mine.

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  10. Kim Thank you so much .Your words mirror my feelings exactly.My husband died suddenly two years ago when my twins were fifteen and te past two yearsbeve been very difficult.I was ignorant to this grief process never realizing how terribly difficult it would be and continues to be.I am beyond sick of doing every damn thing myself and being surrounded by so many people who are clueless to what my family is going through.Reading your blogs has been my only solace.My heart continues to break when I look at my children and know how cheated they been and I am powerless to change it.Keep writing we all count on it and appreciate you sharing your frustrations.

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  11. Thank you Kim.
    Time to rest.
    Peace

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  12. My husband died three months ago.......reading your post made me feel not quite so freakish. I am so lost in that "hurricane" of feelings you expressed. I hope that this gets easier at some point.

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  13. I hope this doesn't sound bad.But I'am tired of beingsad all the time.I want to be happy again.Gary has been gone three years.He has miss so much.Two grandkids a granddaughter and a little boy.I'am so mad at him for leaving me.I can't do ths life alone help

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