You Know What You Know ....

.... when you know it.
And sometimes .... that's the only explanation you have.
And really, that's all you need.

I know what I know.
That's all I've got.
And I'm great with that.

In fact, I'm pretty great in general.
Life has changed for me in the last month.
Not so much on the outside.
Not so much to people looking in.

Two new doctors were added to my life last week.
More crappy tests.
More stuff going on.
On the outside.

On the inside ... things are drastically different.
And drastically good.
:)

I've been mostly quiet about the details.
Because I realize how crazy it sounds .... to say it out loud.
In front of other people.

But when I think about it, or say it to myself, or to him .... it's completely sane.
I don't know why.
I don't know how.
But I do know what I know.
And I know that I'm not going to be quiet any longer.

My heart has been captured.
And all it took was one smile.
His heart has been captured.
And all it took was one smile.

Yes, it sounds insane.
But not to us.
Because ..... we know what we know.

I have always enjoyed spontaneity .... in the right moments.
But I have been mostly stable and steady.
Have I had times when I've made bad decisions based on spur-of- the-moment feelings?
In a word .... absolutely.
Oh my word the stupidity.
I've had my moments.

But mostly?  Mostly I've been very steady.
And the "before Janine" would never have believed that two people could connect .... with just a smile.
She would never have believed that it was possible to know that a life could be changed in so short a time.
But the "after Janine" has learned a lot in the last four years.

I've heard mutterings.
I've heard comments.
"How long have you known him?"
"She hasn't had that much experience."
You know .... those kinds of things.
Doubts.
Questions.
Concerns.
Which is ok, because I know that I am loved by many people.
And I have 6 special people in my life who want me to be happy, and yet miss who I was .... and the only man they knew with me.

But I know what I know.
And while I may not have experienced a lot of life before I met Jim, I have experienced more life than anyone should have to since he died.
I have aged beyond my years.
In some ways.
I have learned more than I ever wanted to know.
But I have also learned wonderful things.
I have learned to know myself.
I have learned to trust myself.
I have learned that life is short .... and gifts are not to be taken lightly. Or for granted.
I have leaned that nothing, and no one, is guaranteed.
I have learned that when something, or someone, good happens .... you must enjoy it, or him, while you can.
Tomorrow is not a done deal.

I know what I know.
I know that I have more life behind me than in front of me.
I know what I want.
I know what I don't want.
I know what I like.
I know what I don't like.
I know that I am not willing to settle for less than I've had.
I know that I was incredibly blessed to have an amazing love and relationship with Jim.
And I know that if I were to never have that again, I'd be ok.  I'd be more than ok.  But I will not settle for less.  Because it's better to have no relationship, than to settle for less than you want .... or need.
I have learned.

And for some reason .... some unknown ..... and certainly undeserved ..... amazing reason, God has blessed me .... again.
I am loved.
I am loved fiercely, deeply, unconditionally .... and crazily.
I am loved exactly the way Jim would want me to be loved.
I am being treated exactly the way Jim would want me to be treated.
And I think that Jim had a hand in picking this man out for me.
And I know, without a doubt, that Jim is very, very happy.  Because he still loves me as much as I still love him.  And he wants me to be loved fiercely, deeply and crazily.  He wants more for me than I could have hoped for .... a second time.

I know what I know.
I know that my heart has room for another love, without losing my love for Jim.
I know that I have experienced a lot of crap over the last 4 years, and that part of me questions how long this can possibly last .... given all that crap.
But I also know that I'm not gong to listen to that part ..... but am going to enjoy the gift of this man for as long as I have him.

I know that I have been blessed .... again.
And I look forward to the future.
And for what it holds.
For as long as it holds it.