Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Emotional Confusion ....
.... seems to be my theme these days.
Well, I guess when I say "these days", I really mean these past 3 years and 10 months, but who's counting?
I used to be so "stable", emotionally speaking.
Or at least, I thought I was.
I know that I could wear a good mask. Maybe I even wore them for myself sometimes.
But these days .... these days I can cry at the drop of a hat. Even when I'm feeling fine.
And I'm usually feeling fine .... pretty darn good, actually.
And then .... I'm not.
Yesterday was one of those days.
I started out feeling great. But then I found out that a friend was attending a funeral later that day.
A funeral for a 23 year old boy .... who killed himself.
That news made me sigh .... and feel sad.
But the following news shook me to the core: his mother .... his single mother .... came home to find his body.
I managed to not cry in front of my friends. I firmly put my mask in place, and locked it tightly.
Until I got home.
And then I broke down .... because all I could think, was that woman .... that mother .... has no one with her.
She has no husband, no partner to help carry her grief. No one to sit with her and share the blackness with her.
She has a daughter, but as we all know ....
A couple of day ago I saw a news story about a couple who have written a book.
His wife died a few years ago, leaving him to only parent their 3 young children.
Her husband died shortly before that, leaving her to parent their 2 young children. It seems that his wife knew this woman. And she knew that this woman was newly widowed. His wife, even as she was dying of cancer, encouraged him to contact this widow.
And he did.
And they fell in love, married, and have written a book.
And I just stood there, watching them .... and cried.
I'm not sure why I cried, since they all seemed to be one big happy family .... now.
Maybe I cried because I knew what they had to go through .... before they got to "now".
Maybe I cried because they both teared up as they spoke of their late spouse.
Or maybe I cried just because I'm an emotional mess "these days".
I can be up one minute .... and then hear a story of someone who's died .... and barely hold the tears back.
I'm really ok.
In fact, I'm more than ok.
I'm happy most of the time.
There is someone in my life who seems to understand more than he should be able to understand. And he gives me more support than I've felt in almost four years.
But still ....
My body seems to be emotionally confused.
I don't like being confused.
I don't like being emotional.
But after three years and ten months ....
you'd think I'd be used to it .... wouldn't you?
Posted by Janine at 12:01 AM